Optimism is a Lifestyle

For the past few months Gavin and I have been discussing and wondering the question,

"now what?"

Going through the five years of fertility tests together and the adoption process all led to our beautiful son Nathan

But I never thought beyond our first child. I felt we'd have more than one kid, but I was so focused on becoming a parent of one that I hadn't given much thought to any child after that. 

So to answer our question, we have no idea. 

I could lie and say there's no heartache. But of course there is. I'd love to be able to plan (give or take a year) when our children will join our family. I'd love to say there's no panic. But of course there is. I'd love to say I knew this was coming. But I had no idea. 

I had no idea that the majority of the emotions we'd felt before Nathan would be back. Not as intense. But there nonetheless. I was not prepared to jump back into the fog of the unknown. 

Till recently all I thought of was how wonderful it was that we were finally parents! 

But as Nathan gets older its made me stop, look around the room, and wonder when the rest of our family is coming. 

And how they're coming.

We have no set plans. No path or direction laid out as of yet. 

Except to pray for guidance, pray for patience, and save our pennies. Again. 

I guess that's the beautiful part of infertility. To draw near to God in prayer, to humble yourself to patience, and as a couple make sacrifices to bring another special child into our family. 

There will be moments of sadness. Moments of fear. But these are just that. Moments in a journey of faith. 

And I feel so blessed to be on it.

The Unknown

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There are so many unknowns when adopting. You don't know what your baby will look like, when they will come, what their story will be. You don't know what the birth parents will be feeling. Or the family of the birth parents. But for me right now, the scariest unknown is I don't know how Nathan will feel about being adopted.

We've met a few adoptees (right terminology?) since deciding to adopt. One of Gavin's grandmothers was adopted. Nathan's birth mom was also adopted. All of these individuals have different feelings about being adopted. Some struggled greatly with being adopted. Some were totally ambivalent. All of them were closed adoptions. I don't personally know anyone grown up who has an open adoption. So what does that mean for Nathan? Will he struggle? Will he not care? I know there's a fine line between him caring for his birth parents and not struggling with being adopted. I have no idea where that line is, but I'd love to hope he'd end up there. Ideally I'd love for him to have a healthy love and respect for his birth parents, while not struggling with the bitter side of adoption.

Right now he jabbers non-stop about everything he sees, but it's still baby jabber. That baby jabber should turn into real talking over the next few months. What questions will he ask? What connections will he make? When he finds out he didn't grow in my tummy but in my heart will he feel special or defective? I haven't worried about these questions until lately, as he moves closer and closer to toddlerhood and real talking. I just hope and pray that Gavin and I can teach him about the miracle of his birth, the beauty of his coming to us, and just how loved he is by all his parents effectively enough to grow up to be a stable young man, secure in knowing that God had a plan for him.

Magic Writer

So the year prior to Nathan being born saw me enrolled in classes at the local community college, 

still plugging away slowly at a degree. 

I was enrolled as an English major and was taking a few writing classes. 

I remember writing a paper on infertility, using 4 close friends in it and telling the story of their 

struggles to get pregnant. 

Not a single one of them was pregnant when I wrote that paper. 

They all, like I, were dealing with the worry that it might never happen. 

Shortly after that paper, two announced they were pregnant!

I was overjoyed for them!
I also had jokingly wondered at the time whether I should've put myself in the paper...

And of course started to attribute their pregnancies to my magical writing skills.

Because recent studies show that college English papers and pregnancy share a
cause and effect relationship.
You didn't know that did you?
Well now you know.

Shortly after our pregnancies were announced, as in a few months later,
we announced our being chosen by Nathan's courageous birth mother E. 

Later that winter, the third woman in my paper announced her pregnancy!
I was pretty positive I had magic skills at that moment.

Well imagine my surprise when earlier this year, the final woman in that paper announced her pregnancy!
I was overjoyed for her!
And convinced at that point that my paper did indeed hold magic powers.

I reflected on all this today.
Still laughing to myself about not being written into that paper.
When I suddenly realized-
Sure I hadn't magically become pregnant, like the other women had.
But a mere months after that paper I too had gotten to rejoice in becoming a Mother.
It just struck me today that God knows exactly what He's doing.
I arrived at the same destination, along with the rest of them, but with a different route.
I felt so blessed.
And ready.
Prior to this I have been so apprehensive about Baby #2.
Lovingly referred to Holga at present.
But after thinking about all this today,
I finally feel at peace about whatever God may hold for the future.
This isn't an announcement.
We still have not decided any course of action to add lil Holga (an endearing name, no?) to our family.
But I finally (finally) stopped worrying about it today.

And there was a lotta worry folks.
I remembered all too well the anguish that preceded Nathan's beautiful adoption story.
And I wasn't all too keen about diving back into those waters again.
No siree.
But now I feel ok.
Whew.

Infertility tests?
Pfft.
Adoption paperwork?
Give me a pen.

Remembering that God's in charge today has made me feel at peace.

Hitler Who?

I was sent this amazing video today.

It's called the 180 Video.

Why?

Because in it, people's hearts do a 180.

I was appalled that some people honestly didn't know who Hitler was.

And I was stunned to see footage of the Holocaust that I had never seen before.

So what's a video about the Holocaust doing on our adoption website?

Because really, it's about abortion.

Please take a minute, or 33, to watch this eye opening video.

Did you know that over 53 million babies have been aborted since Roe vs. Wade?

Astonishing.

And heart-breaking.

Grab a kleenax,

prepare to be appalled at people's ignorance,

and cheer for those whose hearts are changed.

Will yours be?